Still-birth or Full Term Loss {Miscarriage and Pregnancy Awareness}

Most U.S. sources define stillbirth as a loss after the 20th week of pregnancy in which the baby dies before being born (a loss before 20 weeks is a miscarriage). According to About.com, this tragedy occurs in 1 in 200 pregnancies, with the majority of stillbirths happening in full-term or close to full-term pregnancies.

I personally do not know many people who have had a full term loss. Until I was connected to a group of strong mamas that would forever change my life I knew none. But now that I do know these moms I have a tiny bit of insight into what a mother experiences when they go through a late loss. Now I am not in any way saying that the pain of a woman who has gone through a late loss is any greater than a woman who has had a miscarriage but I do know that in some ways it's different.

Most mothers who have experienced a late loss are either expecting it due to an illness or genetic disorder or they have no idea that there are any problems whatsoever. When a woman finds out that they are pregnant they are offered (or allowed to request) a first and second trimester screening. In these screenings the chances of their baby having a genetic disorder are ruled out. Some women, when given the news that their baby does have a disorder or other problems, choose to carry out their pregnancy to term (or as long as they can until the baby passes). Other mothers have the choice to be induced and deliver their baby earlier than full term.*

Late Loss Due to Grim and Fatal Diagnosis
One mother in particular that I've been blessed to know is Stacy Delisle. She lost her beautiful son Isaac after having only 16 precious minutes with him after his birth. She has written a heart-felt blog that not only documents her life but the life of Isaac. She even posted letters that she wrote to her beautiful boy here in a blog for him. Not only has Stacy lost her beautiful son too soon but she has also experienced two miscarriages as well. One recent and one before Isaac. And she is currently pregnant with her third child.

So if you are going through a late loss or have a similar story to Stacy I am here to let you know that it's ok to reach out! You may be surprised by how many other women out there are going through some of the same feelings you are going through as well. Stacy has shared a website on her blog that leads women who have chosen to carry their pregnancy onward even when given a grim diagnosis for their unborn child. You are welcome to visit the site for support and answers.

Unexpected Late Loss
Some late losses are sudden. No warning, no preparation. The mother feels less movement; no kicks to count. Or you go in for a routine appointment to find no heartbeat. No matter what the cause of the loss, a later loss is hard for all involved. There is nothing in the world that a mother can go do to prepare for the loss of her child. And when it comes suddenly there is a lot to process at once. Not only does the mother still have to go through the birth of her child and feel the physical pain but she also has to deal with the emotional and mental pain that come with the loss of a child. And this can all sometimes prove to be unbearable.

One thing that a mother needs to know is that it is ok to grieve. Just because your baby didn't live on the outside doesn't mean that a deep bond wasn't formed in utero. And try not to forget about the spouse. They, too, have formed bonds with the unborn child and are sometimes forgotten in the grieving process. Everyone copes differently with stillbirth, but many women find that tactics such as keeping a journal or attending support groups can be therapeutic in coping with pregnancy loss.

Reaching Out
Sadly there are many women who have gone through the loss of a child before they were born. And some of these women want to reach out to others who are going through the same thing. Being able to connect with someone else who has gone through a similar tragedy can be therapeutic. Allowing yourself to open up to others and talk about your experience will continue the grieving process and will help with healing. It will also give you an outlet to remember your child as well. Too many mothers have commented that the
 one thing they are most sad about is that the memory of their child seems to be forgotten over time. And they need to know that their child is not forgotten. Their child lives on with them and the memories they formed while carrying that child.

If you or someone you know has experienced a late loss, do not hesitate to reach out and find or offer support. I did not suffer a late loss but found much help and hope through online forums such as TheBump's Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss board. And if you need someone to talk to I am more than willing to help lead you to a mother who has gone through something similar.You are not alone.

* Out of respect to the women that I love and care for I choose not to label this form of pregnancy loss as abortion

Early Miscarriage {Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss Awareness}

Spontaneous abortion, or miscarriage, is the term used for a pregnancy that ends on it's own within the first 20 weeks of gestation. The medical name spontaneous abortion gives many women a negative feeling, so throughout this series of posts I will refer to any type of spontaneous abortion or pregnancy loss under 20 weeks as miscarriage.

What causes an early miscarriage?
According to the American Pregnancy Association, during the first trimester, the most common cause of miscarriage is chromosomal abnormality - meaning that something is not correct with the baby's chromosomes. Most chromosomal abnormalities are the cause of a faulty egg or sperm cell, or are due to a problem at the time that the zygote went through the division process. Other causes for miscarriage include (but are not limited to):

• Hormonal problems, infections or maternal health problems
• Lifestyle (i.e. smoking, drug use, malnutrition, excessive caffeine and exposure to radiation or toxic substances)
• Implantation of the egg into the uterine lining does not occur properly
• Maternal age
• Maternal trauma

Factors that are not proven to cause miscarriage are sex, working outside the home (unless in a harmful environment) or moderate exercise.

What to expect through the process
In most first trimester miscarriages, the baby stops developing at some point early in the pregnancy. The woman's body then recognizes that the pregnancy is not viable and begins to shed the uterine lining, leading to mild cramping alongside vaginal bleeding -- the most common signs of miscarriage.

The woman's body does not always recognize immediately that the pregnancy is not viable, however, and weeks can pass before miscarriage symptoms appear. If an ultrasound takes place during this time period, the doctor will usually diagnose a missed miscarriage or a blighted ovum (depending on the exact circumstances and assuming the doctor is confident in the dating of the pregnancy).

Your doctor should give you some guidance on what to expect from the testing process and ultimately the treatment, but here is some general information about diagnosis and physical recovery from first-trimester miscarriage.

After diagnosing a pregnancy loss, doctors sometimes offer women a choice of miscarriage treatment. The options are usually to wait for a natural miscarriage, have a D&C, or use medication to bring on the miscarriage bleeding.

If your pregnancy loss involved a medical emergency such as a ruptured ectopic pregnancy or a hemorrhage, you may have had no choice but surgery. But if you do have a choice in your treatment, each of your options has possible pros and cons depending on your situation and personal outlook. Your doctor will go over these with you. 

What to expect afterward
The time right after a pregnancy loss can be filled with a lot of emotions. Just like with the loss of a loved one or family member, the loss of your child can find you tumbling through the different stages of grief. I remember coming home from my D&C and just feeling numb. Not wanting to talk, not wanting to deal with anything. I turned inside and didn't let anyone in. Everyone recovers from the emotional pain differently, no one way is correct or right.

After your miscarriage, you will also be going through physical recovery as well. It takes a few weeks to a month or more to recover physically from a miscarriage. Your recovery will depend on how far along you were into the pregnancy. Some women experience the following physical effects:

• Vaginal bleeding, similar to a menstrual period, may last up to a week after a miscarriage.
• Light bleeding, or spotting.
• Depending on your menstrual cycle, normal periods should resume in 3-6 weeks.
• Lower abdominal pain similar to menstrual cramps may last up to 2 days after the miscarriage.
• Breast discomfort, engorgement or leaking milk; ice packs and a supportive bra may relieve discomfort. This discomfort usually stops within a week.
• Some pregnancy hormones remain in the blood for one to two months after a miscarriage.

You may resume normal activities as soon as you feel able. However, it is wise to ask your doctor for more specific instructions regarding any vigorous or strenuous exercise.

Please remember - you are NOT alone. There are many different support groups out there to help you through this. Please don't hesitate to reach out. Whether it be online, in person or over the phone. There are people out there who want to help you through this. 

Sources: About.com Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss, American Pregnancy

How to Help A Grieving Friend {Miscarriage & Pregnancy Awareness}

I have already shared a little about my friend, Stacy. She has gone through an early loss, a loss at 13 weeks and the loss of her son, Isaac, after 16 sweet minutes with him. With all of this loss comes understanding and knowledge of losses. She helped a lot by posting a few suggestions for friends to help those in need. A few of her suggestions really resonated with me. And all of them are very true.

I thought that re-posting her suggestions on how to help a grieving friend would not only help me but would help others who read about it as well. Stacy originally posted these suggestions on her blog, He Will Carry Me. You can find the full original post here. Please feel free to comment and add anything you might suggest to others. It could be something a friend did for you during your loss or even something not to do.

1. Say something.
There are a few people we've encountered who have yet to say anything to us about losing Isaac. They know that it happened, but have avoided it like the plague. That is incredibly hard. If you're not sure what to say, saying "I don't know what to say other than I am so, so sorry" is a great place to start. Bereaved parents what so desperately for their child to be acknowledged. And of course... say something to our Heavenly Father and pray for them.

2. Avoid "Hallmark" responses. 
This one may seem in direct conflict with #1, but it's true. These types of statements tend to minimize the person's loss. For instance, take the line "When God closes a door, somewhere He opens a window." While that may be true, a grieving parent didn't want the door closed in the first place. They want their child back. And while whatever might be on the other side of the open window might be a good thing, it still doesn't take care of the ache of the closed door of losing a child.

It's good to think carefully about statements such as these. While the intention may be to encourage, many "Hallmark" responses have the flaw of minimizing the loss.

3. Choose scripture carefully.
I absolutely believe that the Bible is the word of God and that it is true. Every word of it. And there are some great verses of encouragement in there. What can be difficult, though, is realizing that the timing of encouragement from scripture is encouragement. A wise person that Spencer and I know recently shared that he never walks into the room of a grieving person and shares Romans 8:28: And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Why not? Because in the midst of the rawness of grief of losing a child, all you want is your child back. I absolutely believe in the truth of this scripture, but am only now getting to the place where this is of encouragement to me. When you lose a child, you often feel forsaken. And bereaved parents want to know they are not alone. So verses focusing on God's love, peace, and Him being near to the brokenhearted are generally good places to look to encourage.

The time will come to use verses about God working all things together for good, but in the wake of a child's death isn't the best time because the bereaved parent's heart will likely not be ready to receive it.

4. Know that there is no timetable for grief. 
 Through the books I have read, my conversations with other bereaved parents over e-mail and at the monthly support group I attend, and in discussing this with my counselor, the consensus is the same: people grieve differently and there is no timetable for grief. This is really important to understand. While as a family member or friend, you may feel as though you had your "brief history" with the child who has died and although it was sad, you know you will see them again in Heaven and so now it is time to move on, it's important to realize that it isn't that way at all for the parents whose child has died. For them, it's like a part of them has died.

One of the books I read talked about how there's this piece of your heart that was specifically for that child, and that when they died, that piece of your heart was broken off and went to heaven with them. Along with the loss of a child comes the loss of so many other things... I talked a lot about that in my post entitled Ripple Effect. It's also important to know that grief is like a roller coaster, and that it is exhausting.

So please, don't hurry your friend or loved one along. It may hurt you to see them struggle, but the best thing you can do is come along side of them and just be with them, letting them know you're there... not to judge, not to analyze it all, not to make them better, but to pray with them and for them, and simply to mourn with those who mourn as we've been encouraged to do in Romans 12.

5. Ask specific questions. 
 I have a friend who is great at this. She listens well, and so she knows what to ask. She doesn't just ask how I am doing... she asks things like, "How was the 7th for you this month?" or "How did things go when you visited the cemetery with your family?" She also isn't afraid to ask me the harder questions... "How are you doing with your anger about this?"

More often than not, my brain is mush. There are so many thoughts swirling around, that to only ever be asked "How are you?" would be really hard. Plus, "How are you?" has become just the polite thing to say to each other, often times just in passing. Asking specific questions not only communicates that you are listening well, but it also communicates that you really care and you truly want to know how the person is doing.

6. Know that he/she may not be him/herself.
I mean a couple of different things by this. First, know that the grieving parent may be a scatterbrain, may be exhausted, may seem like they're going to explode. Grief is just plain exhausting and it's a lot of work if you're going to grieve well and do the work rather than just stick one toe in then pack it all up in a nice neat box and put it on the shelf. That's when it becomes a ticking time bomb. Just know that your friends who have lost a child are doing the best they can, and that often they really may be exhausted. They may forget things or seem scattered. Be patient with them and know that it's normal.

Secondly, it's also important to realize that if you're waiting for the "old Stacy" (or whoever the bereaved parent is) to come back, you may be waiting forever. Losing a child changes your life. It changes everything. That's an explanation for another blog entry at another time, but just know that your friend or loved one will likely be forever changed by the death of their child, and part of navigating grief is figuring out how to integrate the death of your child into who you are and the tapestry of your life.

7. Offer specific, practical help. 
Your friend or loved one is most likely too tired to ask. Or, if they are at all like me, already feel like their grief is a burden to you, and don't want to burden you with anything else. Offering to bring a meal, clean their house, run to the grocery store... all of these things are so helpful. While saying, "Let me know if you need anything," is kind and well-intentioned, it can be too much work for the grieving parent to even know what they need. All they feel like they need is their child back.

I know we greatly appreciated all of the meals we were brought through the month of October, and for our dear friend who cleaned our house on a weekly basis. These things were just set up for us, really without us even having to ask. Some dear people knew what we would need, and just did it. Having those burdens carried for us freed us up to just be... and in the wake of the child's death, that alone is a lot of work.

8. Be present. 
Many parents who have lost a child feel lonely and forsaken. It's really important to communicate to them that they haven't been. In addition to sharing scripture that speaks to that, being with the parents who have lost a child is important. Of course, there are times when they will likely want space and will want to be alone. Please know that if you are an expectant mother or the parent of small children, this may be especially true. It's nothing personal.

But, often, parents who have lost a child will likely want company. So call, and set a specific plan. Offer to come over and bring dinner; offer to come and play a board game or watch a movie. Offer to take him or her out for lunch. Offer to go to the cemetery with them. And know, that if you make the plans, the bereaved parent may, an hour before your supposed to be there, call and say that they just can't do it today. Know that it's nothing personal, be patient, and keep offering.

I appreciated so much, particularly once Spencer went back to work and I was still at home, that friends would come and take me to lunch, or my mom would come and take me to the outlets, go to the cemetery with me, play speed scrabble, or would just be here at home with me while I watched tv or took a nap.

9. Talk about and remember their child. 
I am not really sure what else to say about it than that. Talk about what you remember about the child. Talk about how beautiful he/she was in pictures. The Friday before my birthday, some friends spent some time talking with me about Isaac and what he meant to them... the tears just started coming and I was so grateful.

On anniversaries, visit the cemetery and leave flowers. Send a card to the parents on anniversaries. Parents who children are living get to hear their children's names all the time; but for the parent whose child has died, it can be a rarity. And when you hear that child's name it is like music to your ears. It is such a gift. Don't be afraid to bring up their child who has died; more than likely that child is always on their mind anyway... at least mine is.

10. Repeat. 
Grief can be a long, complicated process. Those who have lost a child need to know that you still care even when the rest of the world has moved on. It's a difficult thing when you feel as though your world has stopped, and the rest of the world is racing by. Bereaved parents need to know that people remember... one of the greatest fears is that their child will be forgotten. Let them know that you haven't forgotten.

Missed Miscarriage {Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss Awareness}

A missed miscarriage is when embryonic death has occurred but there is not any expulsion of the embryo. It is not known why this occurs. Signs of this would be a loss of pregnancy symptoms and the absence of fetal heart tones found on an ultrasound. Most missed miscarriage occur within the first 12 weeks of pregnancy.

Technically my first pregnancy was considered a missed miscarriage. You can read my whole story here but I basically went in for an early ultrasound to date the pregnancy and the midwife wasn't happy with the size of the embryo so she asked us to come back the next week and use the big ultrasound machine at the hospital. We went to the hospital the next week and a faint heartbeat was detected so we were asked to come again in another week. That week it was confirmed. There was no heartbeat and we were miscarrying.

I've had a missed miscarriage, now what?
There are two options for a woman who is having a missed miscarriage. They can either wait to let the baby pass naturally or they can opt to have a D&C. About 50% of women who miscarry do not undergo a D&C procedure. Women can safely miscarry naturally without the need to have a D&C. But if your pregnancy was more than 10 weeks along a D&C is usually recommended due to the risk of the natural miscarriage being incomplete (tissue is left in the uterus).

I will be going into more detail about each experience in the upcoming weeks but after choosing to have a D&C myself I almost always look back and second guess my decision. I have heard a few stories about misdiagnosed miscarriages. Women who are told by their doctors that they are miscarrying but then a week or so later find out that they are, in fact, carrying a healthy baby. By choosing to miscarry naturally I would have had to go through the drawn out pain of waiting and bleeding but there may have been a slim chance that my baby hadn't passed.

What to expect afterwards
Because a missed miscarriage can be so unexpected, the grief may not hit right away. The hope that the doctors were wrong can be big. Your body still feels pregnant, you aren't bleeding, right? When the miscarriage is confirmed and you either start to miscarry naturally or choose to have a D&C the reality hits. And for me it hit me hard. I had 4 weeks to dream, hope and plan for this baby I had growing inside of me so the emotional pain was the hardest.

There is also some physical pain. No matter if you elect to have a D&C or miscarry naturally there will be cramping. If needed, please ask your physician for medication to help with the pain. I found that a heating pad helped a lot. And lots of ice cream. But that may have helped with the emotional pain too.

Do I talk about it?
It might be hard to talk about your miscarriage to friends and family. You may have told some people and now you have to untell them. Or you may want to share your loss with others so they know what you are going through. No matter what your situation is I highly suggest finding someone to talk to. Even if you might already have a child or if you don't think your loss has affected you greatly. Sometimes grief can manifest into other emotions and dealing with those emotions is very important.

And remember that your partner can also be experiencing grief as well. Sometimes they are forgotten in this experience Talk to them, open up about how you're feeling. You may find that they are feeling some of the same things. If you feel comfortable enough talk to a friend or family member. Maybe one who has experienced a loss before. If you don't feel comfortable you can always talk with your religious leader or a therapist. They should have some great ways to help you deal with your miscarriage.

"No farewell words were spoken, No time to say goodbye, You were gone before we knew it, And only God knows why" - author unknown

Sources: American Pregnancy Association,

Chemical Pregnancies {Miscarriage & Pregnancy Loss}

Just because you were only pregnant for a fraction of a second doesn't mean you weren't pregnant. No matter how early or late you lose a pregnancy, you are affected by your loss.

A chemical pregnancy is the clinical term used for a very early miscarriage. A chemical pregnancy occurs when a fertilized egg does not implant into the uterine wall. If a pregnancy test is taken just at the right time it will be positive, however, when a repeat test is taken several days later it will be negative. In many cases, the positive pregnancy test was achieved before your period was due but a miscarriage occured before a sac or heartbeat was able to be seen on an ultrasound.

Chemical pregnancies are unfortunately very common. 50 to 60% of first pregnancies end in miscarriage very early in pregnancy. Many occur without the woman even knowing that she was pregnant, but this is not always the case. I have had a few friends experience chemical pregnancies and one friend, Amy, has dedicated a whole page on her blog that defines what a chemical pregnancy is and any questions you may have about chemical pregnancies.

I've highlighted her answers to the most common questions about chemical pregnancies below (with her permission, of course):

What causes a chemical pregnancy?


Most chemical pregnancies are due to chromosomal problems in the developing fetus. Other possible causes are inadequate uterine lining, uterine abnormalities both congenital or acquired like fibroids, low hormone levels, luteal phase defect, possible immunological causes or certain infections.
How can I prevent chemical pregnancies?


Most chemical pregnancies can not be prevented. If you have recurring chemical pregnancies, your doctor should be able to investigate and help you formulate a treatment which is best for you. Potential treatments include vitamin B6 (at least 50mg a day), progesterone cream or supplementation, estrogen supplementation, immunological treatments, and baby asprin. Be sure to discuss potential testing and treatment with your doctor.

How should I feel about having a chemical pregnancy?

After having a chemical pregnancy many women are surprised by how sad they feel, even though they only knew of the pregnancy for a few days or a week. However, experiencing these feelings of deep grief is completely normal. While you may not experience the same physical symptoms of a later miscarriage, you are still mourning the loss of the dream of that baby. When you saw those lines on the pregnancy test you thought, “I’m pregnant!!” and began to connect with your baby, even if it was taken away from you so quickly. Do not be ashamed or embarrassed about your feelings. Allow yourself to experience and sort through your grief as you need to.

How long do I have to wait to try again after a chemical pregnancy?

Different doctors will tell you different things, but generally they advise that you wait one full cycle (until after your next, regular period) to try again. We didn’t wait after our first chemical pregnancy and I ended up getting pregnant again before my next period came, and that pregnancy was successful. HOWEVER, after my 2nd chemical pregnancy, we decided not to wait because of what happened the first time, and I ended up having my 3rd chemical pregnancy. So, I would recommend that you follow your doctor’s advice. I can’t tell you how often I beat myself up and wonder if I caused the 3rd loss by not waiting.

Will I be able to have a healthy pregnancy after a chemical pregnancy?


While there are no guarantees, the good news is that the vast majority of women go on to have healthy pregnancies following a chemical pregnancy. My first pregnancy was a chemical pregnancy, and then I immediately became pregnant again and gave birth to my son. My bigger troubles have begun while trying to have a second child, but I did go on to have one healthy child after my first chemical pregnancy.

If you have had a chemical pregnancy before please know that you are not alone. There are a lot of resources out there for you to help you through this hard time. Should you need more information about chemical pregnancies or links to great forums or sites to learn more please feel free to email me at simmworksfamily (at) gmail.com and I would love to connect you with other women who have gone through this same process.

The Road Through Loss {Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss Awareness}

Miscarriage and pregnancy loss seem to be a taboo topic in today's society. And it is hard to imagine that some women go through a miscarriage without being able to feel comfortable opening up about their loss. Statistics show that 10-25% of all clinically recognized pregnancies end in miscarriage. Those numbers prove that there are a lot of women are hurting. And when a woman is going through a miscarriage they need to know that they aren't alone and that there is a support system out there for them.

I was inspired to start writing about miscarriages when I started noticing that after I share that I've had a miscarriage more and more acquaintances were mentioning that they, too, have had a miscarriage, either recently or in the past. I realized that not a lot of women have the support network I now have to talk and discuss miscarriage, family and life. You see, shortly after I miscarried I went to a message board online looking for support. And the result of going to that message board, and subsequent boards after that, was that I got to know a very close knit group of ladies with whom I consider an extended part of my family now even though I've only met two of them in person.

These wonderful ladies run the gamut of losses. And some of them have agreed to help me write a few blog posts over the next few months to share their personal journey, including ways to help friends going through the same thing as well as what to expect in the coming days, weeks, months. I am going to include a breakdown of the different types of miscarriage and pregnancy loss as well as the procedures that follow. Including natural miscarriage, D&C's, D&E's and inductions.

After I highlight the different aspects of miscarriage I'd love to continue with a post a week to share the story of a woman who has gone through miscarriage or pregnancy loss in order to help others out there realize that they aren't alone.

If you have a miscarriage story that you want to share please feel free to contact me at simmworksfamily@gmail.com.