Our First BFP: September 1st, 2007

I had a little inkling that I read my chart wrong and that we might be pregnant. After charting for months I thought I had my cycle/body down... I was wrong. 13 dpo (days past ovulation) I took a digital pregnancy test and saw this:

I was excited and nervous. How was I going to tell Joseph? I mean... we'd only been married for just 2 months. I decided to just let him know. I crawled into bed and asked him if he was ready to be a daddy. He rubbed his eyes and asked, "What?!" I asked him again and he looked at the test and than hugged me.

The next few weeks were filled with joy and happiness as we started to think forward for life with a baby. I started looking at nursery ideas and baby clothes. Every baby and pregnant woman I saw made me tear up. It was a fun time thinking about our very near future.

We went in for our first appointment with our midwife and she did an ultrasound. She commented on the fact that the baby was measuring a bit small so we might be off on our dates. I showed her my chart and told her that I knew when I ovulated and when we could have conceived. She asked that we come back the next week and also asked that I get my beta hcg count tested.

I drew blood for the beta hcg count on a Tuesday and than again on a Thursday. The next appointment we found out that my numbers weren't quite doubling. The midwife did another ultrasound and saw that my baby was still there but she couldn't quite get a good measurement so she asked that we go to the big u/s at the main hospital down the street. So off we went to wait a long time...

When we finally got into the room where they were going to do the u/s I got really scared. It finally hit me that things might not be alright with my baby. The u/s tech wasn't very warm and by the time he was done I was in tears. He did confirm that he saw a very faint heart beat and told me to go up to ob/gyn to talk to a doctor. The doctor came in the room and told me the same thing the tech did. I was measuring small and there was a very faint heartbeat. Heartbeats are good right? He asked that I come back the next week to have another u/s. He also asked that I not eat anything before going to the appointment. I didn't fully register why he asked me not to eat until the nurse gave me miscarriage literature. It was like a blow to the gut.

So I came back and waited for what seemed like forever. I had to get up and ask the receptionist twice what was taking so long. Pregnant... very pregnant women were going in and out in a constant stream. They finally called my name. I walked in and as I got up to the table my knees started to shake. The woman technician was a lot sweeter than the guy I had before. She fumbled around a lot with the keys and took lots of pictures but I couldn't see any heartbeat. She finished and looked at me and said, "I'm sorry." I lost it. I started bawling. She handed me a tissue and left the room. I went back to ob/gyn and the doctor asked if I ate anything. I had two saltines in the morning because I felt nauseous so he said that I'd have to wait so many hours before I could have a d & c.

I went home and waited for what felt like an eternity. I just wanted it to be over already. I couldn't eat and didn't know what to do since food has been a comfort for me for so long. It was finally time for Joseph and I to leave for the hospital. When we got to the hospital we checked in and... you guessed it... waited forever. We finally were called and were lead upstairs to a row of beds. I was given a gown and booties and changed. They took forever to find a vein for my IV (first IV that I remember having and it hurt... bad) and gave me something to calm my nerves. After a few minutes a doctor came over introduced himself and explained the procedure.

I was out for about two hours. Don't remember anything past the bright lights in the operating room. After the procedure I was wheeled into a recovery room and given a few saltines and a ginger ale. I couldn't leave until I could stand up, walk and go to the restroom. I passed all three tests in about an hour and was on my way home. After the meds wore off I had the worst stomach pain ever for about three days.

I used a heat pad and sat in my chair in the living room for the majority of the three days. Tears were shed... more than I think I ever shed. Joseph was so wonderful. He would bring me anything I need and let me be when I needed to as well. Miranda came to visit and brought ice cream. She just sat with me and watched TV but it was exactly what I needed.

Over the next few weeks and months I went through the worst pain I have ever felt. Not physical pain but emotional pain. I didn't know why it happened to me and didn't understand what I did wrong. I've realized that I didn't do anything wrong. It was natural and my baby didn't belong here. After a long time of thinking and talking Joseph and I decided that we shouldn't try to have another child for a few years.

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